It’s Spring
at last. Another new cycle of life and
growth; a tender new beginning. Who knows
what might follow for each of us.
Susanne |
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"The beginnings of all
things are weak and tender. We must
therefore be clear-sighted in beginnings."
Michel de Montaigne |
Respecting our beginnings
When we think of beginnings for each of us
there will be an assorted and varied
collection of images based on our own
experience. If I were to ask you to list all
the significant beginnings in your life I
suspect some of those images might spring on
to the page, some may emerge more slowly as
you take the time to reflect.
Perhaps the most obvious and widely shared
experiences from an early age are the
beginnings within education then work. The
majority of people living in the developed
world are lucky enough to progress through
school, college and many now through
university and would expect to work in some
form or another afterwards. During this time
there will be many beginnings, moving from
primary to secondary to tertiary; new
classes, groups, teachers, friends,
subjects. This lengthy process involves much
adaptation, negotiation and learning on the
part of the individual and usually we get
through because of support from caring
teachers, mentors and parents. At some stage
in the process we develop a growing internal
motivation as well. At its best it will be
because of our creative connection to some
aspect of learning.
Education operates nationally within a
framework which, to be effective on such a
large scale, requires a structure with rules
and regulations. Most young people seem to
manage the experience fairly well, although
a number are failed by the system, which
isn’t perfect and is designed primarily for
those who are willing to obey the rules.
Those who are unwilling to conform may
desire instead to pursue an individual
creative path. Others may be unable to
conform and fall through the net because
whatever support is available to them,
either at school or at home, is just not
enough for their needs as individuals. Maybe
their experience of beginnings early on in
their life was without the clear-sightedness
that Montaigne speaks of.
The beginning we have in common with
everyone is our own beginning. What could be
more ‘weak and tender’ than a new-born life,
totally helpless and dependent on parents we
cannot choose. That first crucial beginning
may or may not be clear-sighted. We
experience a unique structure within our own
family and, not unlike a school, it will
have its own ‘rules’, not all of them stated
explicitly but as a small child we very soon
become familiar with them. If we are lucky
and our care-givers are clear-sighted
enough; if they are patient, loving, explain
things and act towards us and each other as
they speak then we also come to understand
the need for these ‘rules’. More than that
we come to understand about loving
relationships through which we can learn
about ourselves.
Unstated ‘rules’ are, by definition, not
usually explained, although as children, we
must obey them to in order to ‘belong’ in
our family. They may be ‘rules’ such as -
it’s not allowed to express certain
feelings, such as sadness (if you are a boy)
or anger (if you are a girl). So in order to
belong (or survive) as children we must push
away those feelings. In so doing we deny a
part of ourselves. We may discover that we
continually have to say ‘Yes’ to the demands
of a parent, even though instinctively we
know that we want to say ‘No’, but we are
smaller, weaker and dependent on them. So we
comply, we stop listening to our own
instinctual voice. Instead we say to
ourselves ‘What’s the point?’ In this way we
learn not to trust our own intuition, our
own voice of wisdom.
The degree to which we learn from our
parents and develop our own
clear-sightedness is a measure of how we
behave at the beginning of all our
subsequent relationships. Whether it be with
our children, our friends or our partner,
when we think back to the beginnings of
those relationships, if we are truthful,
very many of us can see with hindsight how
we could have been more clear-sighted.
I was speaking with someone about a mutual
acquaintance who, over a period of time,
developed a reputation for creating a lot of
hurt, frustration and anger amongst those
people she came into contact with. A great
deal of damage was done it seemed to me
because this person’s perception of ‘rules’
in relationships differed widely from most
other people. Boundaries, where they did
exist, were in completely different places.
It took some time for those on the receiving
end to realise what was happening because it
was so unfamiliar to them. They lived by
different rules, forming a different
reality. Perhaps from both sides the
beginning was lacking in clear-sightedness.
Not enough time and care was taken.
Falling in love at the beginning of a
romantic relationship can lack
clear-sightedness because physical
attraction is so powerful and our emotions
so intense. These beginnings are always
‘weak and tender’ but not always treated as
such. If we want to develop real closeness
and depth, we can try to take things at
least at a pace that will allow us to
maintain our sense of Self. Very often, the
tendency is to ‘give’ so much to the other
that we lose some of our Self in the
process. Then one day we may become aware of
this and we must face having to work hard to
redress the balance if it’s not already too
late. Otherwise things may fall apart.
As children we were forced to look to
someone else to meet our needs but, as an
adult, the more we truly know ourselves, the
more we will respect our Self and our
beginnings. Only then can we bring to them
the patience, attention and
clear-sightedness they deserve.
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If you
suddenly find yourself at another tender
beginning in your life you may wish to take
a deep breath and start on your precious
journey with great care and clear sight. |
This
article is written and published by Susanne
Spencer, Coach, Trainer and Writer. Susanne
inspires people to be accepting, open,
curious and creative as they re-connect with
who they truly are. For details of Creative
Change Workshops visit
www.thespace2create.com
© 2009 Susanne Spencer. All rights
reserved |
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